Sinner

It’s annoyingly cliche that I’ve come to enjoy listening to The Naked and Famous while driving, yeah?
*
I set my mind to making $150 an hour today, so I could take the rest of the week to give my California friend some love and enjoy running, frolicking, biking with my dogs, a music festival full of lovers and adults playing pretend.
*
Instead I made $186/hour. Can’t stop. Won’t stop. I’ve been spot on.
*
Somewhere in the last year — somehow, how the fuck — I went from feeling, physically, like a cute girl kid with bumbly stiff legs and a wrinkly, freckled sweet-girl nose…to a fucking…a woman. Claws and breasts and batting eyes and snark and full pussy lips and hips and that swing. That swing. I noticed it happened this summer. I feel like I went through stripper puberty.
AWK-KWARD.
But at least now I feel like all my parts work together. Shoulders, meet kneecaps and middle toes. You guys are so gonna be best friends.
*
I lied to a coworker while I was drunk. I spent my weekend being afraid she’s going to find out, and it occupied much of my thoughts. While mowing, while doing dishes. While eating and playing and bathing and running and tanning. I wondered whether I should just tell her the truth and apologize. Whether I needed a shrink to tell me to just move on, and let the guilt haunt me into not lying to acquaintances like that. Whether doing the right and moral thing would cause more harm than good, whether it could just stay my secret. Whether, if I told, I should explain the extended truth, whether that long explanation should just stay in my past.
*
Autumn is here. My favorite. The nights are getting longer. Darkness, sooner, and later, and longer. Soon there won’t be much sun or heat for me and I’ll be terribly sad about missing the whole idea of day for weeks on end. BUT for now, the cooler and sweeter air has me feeling like the entire world was made for me and is really fucking imperfectly beautiful in only a way I can understand. Which is lonely.
*
My eyes are heavy after a long day of pulling my dogs behind my bike in their trailer for the entire afternoon and playing monkey all night. Onward.

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~ by The Stiletto-Shod One on September 3, 2013.

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